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User Profile - @JustinBarbour

There are two types of Twitter users in the world - those who are well known within their social network, and those who made it into a “Look What’s Happening On Twitter” news article. Justin Barbour is the latter. You might remember him from such headlines as “You’ve been rogering gerbils: Miranda Devine’s ‘gay slur’ on Twitter”, “Miranda Devine offends with gerbil tweet” and “Gerbilgate”. If he hadn’t hit puberty, he’d be a minor celebrity in every sense of the word.

Justin Barbour is a law student by day and Twitter troll by night, gaining notoriety after Miranda Devine accused in him of bestiality and Catherine Deveny jumped to his defence, apparently forgetting all the times Justin accused her of being a cunt. Eventually, Justin went from having an audience of less than 100 to having one of well over a thousand. Did I say followers? I meant “People to Offend”. Justin likes to offend people in the following ways:

• Pretending he is Jewish, and making Jewish jokes
• Using the word “cunt” like it’s cunting going out of cunting fashion
• Making sexist jokes, instead of getting a woman to make them for him
• Pretending he’s a homophobic Christian
• Not hating Tony Abbot that much

Most of which are appended with a #trololo, so we know he’s either not serious, or he’s training to become Russian mouth singer if the whole lawyer thing doesn’t take off.

Now that Q and A has finished, Justin spends his spare time being late to work at Woolworths and watching The West Wing. Justin likes The West Wing as much as he dislikes Peter Dutton. He’s a law student, remember, and naturally The West Wing counts as study just like masturbation counts as revision for Arts students. Sometimes, Justin will tweet about The West Wing. Did I say sometimes? I meant all the time.

Justin also enjoys writing snappy answers to people on formspring. He’s also gay, though you wouldn’t know it from his tumblr.

Oh, and his name kinda sounds like that pop singer. Justin loves people making that joke. Really.

Sample Tweets:

“If only I could respond to that cunting formspring question about the West Wing, but I’m busy watching #qanda. On the sabbath #trololo”

“Eww, gay people”.

*All factual accuracies corrected by Justin Barbour himself. *

Meme Of The Moment - @TheAshes

Choosing your twitter name is something some people put a lot of effort into, and it’s good to pick something that won’t cause confusion. For a long time, my twitter name was @ApplProducts4Free, and you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who ignored me thinking I was a spambot. For @TheAshes, however, picking a twitter name was a decision done apparently without asking the all important question: “Will idiots pretend to pounce on my name and ask me about cricket?”. Silly girl.

The first mistake was made on November 24th by a user called “primosmee” who worked under the assumption that any event in existence has a twitter account bearing it’s name. It’s a fair mistake to make, since I spend most of my time sending replies to @myworkshift asking it to finish quicker. Primosmee was referring to the dreadfully boring cricket tournament between Australia and England, and in doing that, used the twitter name of user completely uninterested in Twitter: @TheAshes

It didn’t stop there. More and more users started clogging her replies feed with cricket tweets, until she made a fatal move: she asked people to stop.

HAHAHAHA shes getting annoyed at ppl mistaking her for an official account? LOOLLLLLL we should liek totally spam her with replies abt the match hahaha she wont see it coming.

ಠ_ಠ

And thus the trolling began. Tons of twitter users began asking @TheAshes for scores to the apparent amusement of their followers. She was bemused. Even her mum got in on the action, furious that people started spamming her daughter. LULZ echoed around people’s newsfeed, as well as the obligatory “this is lame” comments. Everyone went to bed, satisfied at another successful day of hashtag silliness.

Then two ridiculous things happened.

First, she made a t-shirt based on the event.

It’s one thing to laugh at yourself, but unless you do it with less enthusiasm than everyone else, it just looks like you’re the fat kid in high school laughing along with a bully’s joke and crying on the inside. If Keanu Reeves re-enacted Sad Keanu for a photoshoot, that would be funny, but Angry Homo Kid making a overtly gay follow up would have the internet shaking its head for days. @TheAshes’s t-shirt idea feels like that. Hahaha guise I can laugh at myself too! Where my shirt and make me famous! Calm down, lady. We’ll forget this in a few weeks.

Secondly, people started trying to fly her to Australia to see The Ashes.

And it fucking worked.

After a #gettheashestotheashes hashtag campaign started, several Hip Companies With Twitter Accounts started offering her things. Qantas offered her plane tickets. Vodaphone also offered her tickets, and threw in a phone so it looked like they had something relevant to toss around beyond money. 

Even Sunrise started participating, seeminly promising to get her on the show. Really? This exactly how much potential that interview has.

David Koch: So, let me get this straight, people thought you were an account for the ashes …

TheAshes:  Yes.

David Koch: … because your account name is TheAshes

The Ashes: Yes.

David Koch: CRAAAAAAAAZY!! How’d that feel?

The Ashes: Yeah it was weird.

* Commercial break *

So far, @TheAshes is yet to fly to Australia. She’s still waiting for Qantas to let her boyfriend come too, but, quite frankly, I’d say that’s more of her job than anyone elses.

</meme>

User Profile: inflatablenerd

Some times you wonder, just what would happen if a sheltered young adult opened up a twitter account in between his bandwidth guzzling masturbation sessions? Well, chances are you stopped wondering the instant you started following @inflatablenerd.

Inflatablenerd is a Brisbane based twitter user who spends his free time tweeting terrible puns in a medium where no one needs to fake laughter. He believes, of course, that he is two parts Mitch Hedberg, meaning half his tweets are weak one liners while the others are the life updates wrapped around a poor pun, or cultural reference. This alternation would be kind of like if Seinfeld stopped halfway through the show to film Jason Alexander doing a crossword. Then again, that’s probably not out of character for that show.

When he’s not posting meticulously drafted updates for only one person to favourite, he’s busy with his other activity: hitting on hot followers. What’s that? A girl posted a tweet with a :( emoticon? Inflatablenerd to the rescue! He’ll think of something witty to say, then go way too far in a DM conversation leaving their contact stale for months.

Finally, inflatablenerd occasionally indulges in srs tweets. These are often political, and are so blindly left wing you get the feeling he’s just fishing for validation. Which he is, of course. What a wanker.